4 Important Dates Every Couple Should Have – From a Psychologist

“If you’re too busy for date night, you’re too busy.” These are Dr. John and Julie Gottman are renowned researchers, therapists and marriage counselors. Although they suggest that there are many factors that contribute to a successful marriage, they specifically emphasize the role of date nights.

According to the 2019 novel, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for the Love of a LifetimeThere are eight conversational dates every couple should have in their relationship; They actually think they are necessary. They explain: “And the big secret to creating a love that lasts and grows over time is simple. Make special, non-negotiable time for each other a priority and never stop being curious about your partner.”

Here’s a breakdown of the first four dates and suggestions on how to plan them.

1. Trust Me—Trust and Commitment

The first date should focus on trust and commitment. They emphasize the importance of this date by reminding us that “commitment in a relationship is a choice we make over and over again every day” and that “we must continue to choose it even when we are tired, overworked, and stressed.” outside.”

• Suggestions. One partner should plan this date to surprise the other and just say, “Trust me.” You can even take it a step further by blindfolding them and physically directing them to the location.
• Location. The Gottmans advise the partner in charge to “find a high spot with a great view” where they can both sit while chatting. “If possible,” they say, “make this first date somewhere that is meaningful to your love story.”
• Topic of conversation. The purpose of this appointment is to discuss what trust and commitment look like in your relationship. How can you make each other feel safe? What agreements do you share about trust and commitment in your relationship? Think about what trust looks like in your families of origin and compare that to what it looks like in your relationship, even in the little ways you show each other.
• What to bring/prepare. Gottman advises couples to keep an open mind. Avoid blaming each other during difficult parts of the conversation; Remember to ask questions, be honest, and see each other’s differences as opportunities to learn more about each other.
• Post-date confirmations. After your date, take turns reading this affirmation to each other and maintaining full eye contact: “I promise to choose you every day and show you that our relationship is a priority. I also commit to seven more meetings and conversations.

2. Agreeing to Participate—Handling Conflict

The second date should focus on how you as partners handle conflict in your relationship. While this may seem like an unusual date, the Gottmans recommend discussing conflict management outside of actual fights because “the best time to discuss conflict is not in the middle of a heated argument.”

• Suggestions. common wasn’t The person responsible for the first appointment should also be responsible for the second appointment. Preferably, this date should be at a time when neither partner is tired or low on energy; You’ll want to be in the best possible mood and ready to face whatever comes your way.
• Location. Host this date in an area where you will have privacy, such as your favorite park bench, a secluded area of ​​the beach, or even your backyard. But a great suggestion from the Gottmans is to have this appointment during a walk; You will have to keep moving even if the conversation gets stuck. Ideally, the date should take place at a spot that you both associate with happy memories.
• Topic of conversation. The purpose of this appointment is to take an in-depth look at how conflict is being managed in your relationship. How do you two differ and how are you similar in this regard? How do you negotiate these differences?
• What to bring/prepare. Be prepared to discuss the differences noted above without judgment or regret. More importantly, do not avoid any conflict that may arise; get over it, communicate your unconditional acceptance of each other, and do your best to figure out if a problem is solvable.
• Post-date confirmations. After your second date, take turns reading this pledge to each other: “I promise to fully accept you and embrace our differences. When we experience conflict, I will try to understand your feelings and perspective on the issue and manage our conflict as skillfully as possible. When distressing events occur, I will attempt to repair the damage through the process we have discussed.”

3. Let’s Get Started: Sex and Intimacy

Your third date is where you focus on the sex and intimacy in your relationships. As the Gottmans explain, “We all want to keep our relationship passionate and committed, and there are ways to both create and destroy your connection that occur outside of the bedroom.” But they note: “The most important thing is not to let sex be the last item on a very long to-do list, the last obligation you turn to when you’re both exhausted.”

• Suggestions. Both partners can take the reins on this date, as the goal is for it to be “as romantic and seductive as possible.” Sexiness is key here, as the Gottmans explain; Tell each other exactly what you’re going to wear, and you can even go so far as to make each other’s outfits for each other.
• Location. This date should include a candlelight dinner; It could be at your favorite restaurant or (perhaps a better suggestion) somewhere much more special. The Gottmans recommend locations “like a cove at the beach or a hidden corner of a public garden.” A physical aspect of the date (like a dance class, some yoga, or stretching) can also be a great way to encourage you to get in tune with your bodies.
• Topic of conversation. This date should center on intimacy, romance, fantasy, and everything related to sex. What do you imagine and want sex to be like in your relationship? What rituals (whether related to sexual or intimacy in general)) do you like it, dislike it, or hope to start? Is sex a topic you can discuss comfortably? If so, why or why not? How can you work together to increase passion and intimacy in your partnership?
• What to bring/prepare. This will require both of you to be brave, vulnerable and open-minded. Remember to be as specific as possible when conveying your likes and dislikes, avoid comparing your current sex life to those in the past, and always keep an open mind when discussing both on and offs.
• Post-date confirmations. End this date by taking turns reading it out loud to each other: “I am committed to creating our own romantic rituals for connection and creating more passion outside of the bedroom by expressing my love and affection for you. I’m committing to a 6-second kiss every time we say goodbye or hello to each other for the next week. I am committed to discussing, exploring and renewing our sexual relationship.

4. The Price of Love—Work and Money

“Work can take up almost as much of our time, energy, and commitment ability as our relationship,” the Gottmans explain. That’s why it’s important to focus on this issue on your fourth date. “In fact,” they continue, “work can often be the ‘third party’ in a relationship.” So thoroughly discussing career and finances It’s almost as important, if not more so, than talking about commitment, trust, conflict, and sex.

• Suggestions. The Gottmans recommend spending as little money as possible for this date. For dessert, they advise couples to consider what their date looks like before reaching for riches or money.
• Location. They explain: “You should go wherever it makes you valuable. to feel Comfortable, rich, or somehow rich, however you define them.” This could be the lobby of a 5-star hotel or a blanket on your living room floor. The important thing here is to be creative. “Discuss the questions at home over lunch at your favorite takeaway restaurant” is another suggestion; “Dress thoughtfully. Use good tile. Pamper yourself with the luxury of your home.”
• Topic of conversation. The purpose of this date is to explore the many ways you both add value to the relationship. What does it mean to have enough money for both of you? What are your backgrounds with business and money? What contributions (paid or unpaid) do you appreciate from each other to the relationship? How do you both feel about work and how it affects your relationship?
• What to bring/prepare. Remember that this history should not be a conversation about numbers; Come prepared to discuss what money is vehicle For both of you, not your finances. Avoid minimizing each other’s work stress or money-related values, and remember to give yourself permission to dream big. More importantly, be honest about your do’s, don’ts, and should’s when it comes to wealth and finance.
• Post-date confirmations. End this date by reading this statement to each other: “I promise to respect your values ​​about money and business and work together toward a common financial goal.”

Are date nights a thing of the past in your relationship? Take this science-backed quiz and find out if it’s a cause for concern: Relationship Satisfaction Scale