Dear Annie: Long-standing friendship strained after loans and erratic behavior

Dear Annie: “Martha” and I have been friends for 42 years. I always thought our friendship was volatile, but I excused his behavior due to his difficult upbringing. We’ve grown, but not much has changed. He doesn’t get angry about anything and sometimes stops talking to me for months. It had to do with things like making other friends or taking different classes as a kid. In adulthood, this was more about lifestyle differences, like him repeatedly converting or going vegan and me not cutting ties with people whose views or habits he disagreed with. Despite all this, I always thought about his family.

We are both single mothers and had our youngest children in our 40s; Mine is 14, hers is 11. A few years ago, Martha inherited a large sum of money from a rich uncle. He told me at the time that if the inheritance was significant, he would share some of it with me because, as he said, “We are family.” I thanked him but said I didn’t expect anything.

Unfortunately, we weren’t talking when he got the money due to a temporary disagreement, so I didn’t know how much he got, but it was life changing. He bought a house for himself, multiple cars, an apartment for his eldest son, and gave large sums of money to his adult children. We both struggled financially, so I was really happy for him and never brought up his offer to give me some of that money.

Later, when we started talking again, he told me once again that I was family and if I needed anything, I should ask. I made it clear that I didn’t want to ask him for money, but he insisted that he loved me, that I was family, and that he wanted me to do this.

Fast forward to about a year ago, my youngest son became self-conscious about his crooked teeth and basically stopped smiling. It broke my heart. I found a company that could help with the record, but I couldn’t find the financing. After exhausting all other options, I finally decided to ask Martha for help. It was hard, but he had told me over and over that he wanted to be with me, and I stupidly believed him. I asked if I could borrow $2,000 to cover the treatment and promised to repay him. He immediately agreed and told me I didn’t have to do this, saying, “You are family and I am happy to give it to you.” I was overwhelmed with gratitude, literally bursting into tears, and told him I would repay him, but he insisted I didn’t need it.

Now, about a year later, she gets angry at me because of political differences. He recently sent me a hurtful message saying I was selfish and willing to disrespect him by asking for that money to do something for my “real family”. I reminded him of the offers he had made many times, and he said he didn’t really expect me to ask for money, and that if I did, he certainly wouldn’t ask for that much. He said my request left him $2,000 short of purchasing another home, which seems unlikely to me and I believe his anger had more to do with our political differences.

I’m torn. Part of me wants to cut ties, send him the $2,000, and move on, having learned a painful lesson at the cost of 42 years of friendship. But the other part of her wants to forgive him, pay the money back and continue the friendship. I feel sad, ashamed, and as if I should have known better for asking him for help. No matter how hard life gets, I never ask for help, and this is a harsh reminder of why. — Conflict

Dear Contradictory: True, meaningful friendship shouldn’t feel like a rollercoaster where kindness is offered one minute and weaponized the next. Even if you and Martha are on “good” terms, it’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops and Martha gets angry again.

If you can afford it financially, send the money back to him and distance yourself from this poison. Just because you’ve been friends for this long doesn’t mean you have to stay and be mistreated.

Send questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].